It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
