Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Everclear isn't food dammit
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
