OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
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You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
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she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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