I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
