so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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