Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just googled if crying burns calories
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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