I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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