i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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