i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
