Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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