I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
