fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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