In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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