TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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