if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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