is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
