Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
