I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
