That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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