My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
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she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
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I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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