Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
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I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
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If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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