I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
