tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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