kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
