Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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