NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
