Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
