Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
