I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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