I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
