Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
