Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
