Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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