If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
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I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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