here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
