I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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