Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
