I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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