they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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