Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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