i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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