and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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