Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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