tonight lets celebrate not being married
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
