Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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