last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
