i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
