I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
