she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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