you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
