1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
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