You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
