I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
