youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
babies were throwing up all over the place
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
