sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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