she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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