I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
