yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I wish there were birth control emojis
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
