I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I could make wine with my vomit
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
