Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
